i choose to stray away from stagnancy that stems from an image of unattainable perfection, conceived out of stifling self-detriment—
when the image of perfection is mine to create.
let me instead reach towards progression through the process, accessing the experience.
i choose to step out of the confines of fear and uplift myself to love and understanding, let me provide that for myself during times when toxic skepticism pollutes my well-being and opportunities for growth.
I know there has been long pauses between posts lately.. but I’ll tell you I’ve been working on a big ol’ something.
As of today, I’m almost finished…and when I am, I’ll be posting a number of peektures of my lil color babe!
many a thing to come.
i went into a candy store this weekend.
and it’s the first time in years! so you know my ass bought a grip full of sweets. all kindsa sweets.
my lowwrd, i’ve rediscovered candy.
sometimes i feel like an empty vessel.
something all used up.
where the people have come and used my being, just used it all up.
like an old worn down sofa left on a los angeles city street corner… to rot in the rain..
(after the people have gotten their naps and their stains and their relaxation.)
in the darkest most self loathing - people loathing moments, that bile strikes up again, curling up my esophagus.. and tries to be uttered into my existence-take two.
tries so hard to be birthed into my reality, even though i’d like to believe the real me knows.. better.
the tough times are tough
and the good times don’t seem to be written about, not as much.. or like how it was in the past.
but i’m aiming for it to be.
i’m aiming to get back to my roots.
sure my flowers have bloomed-have taken the time to sprout-and here they’ve bloomed.. and now they rot.
but i just have to trim those long wilted remnants of excess.. and allow my growth to begin again.
it’s just been winter, i’ve been encased in a winter i have yet to fully let go of. and soon it will be spring again in my— thought to be carcass.. and then my sprung resurrection will quickly catalyze to a beautiful summer.. i can only hope for.
my internal seasons have yet to catch up with Earth’s.
i will never stop growing.
and i will never not have flowers,
it is not in nature.
faded out, i couldn’t look away from where the lights were taking me. even when i closed my eyes. even when i tried to _will it a different way.
I feel like a vacuumous void, a black-hole sucking up all things around, desperately, to fill my empty stomach..trying too hard to fill myself and this empty feeling. I literally slept all day, no motivation to start or complete anything. No happiness from things or from doing lately. Not only do I feel hollow, but I feel as though what was once there has decayed. My heart has melted into this putrid butter. Clear glossy fat smeared on the decaying walls of my decrepit torso.
My limbs are like bird bone.
when i can touch something, feel it’s surface, it’s face,
i want to keep touching til my hands are red and raw.
til i soak it all up, til there’s nothing left.
when you’re dying of thirst, all you can think about is drink.
and that’s what my body’s telling me.
therapeutic damage is done super slick
you start up in the sea and fall from it.
spaced up from it.
a fear has been birthed, rooted in my intestines and cradled by my stomach lining.